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Odin

Odin's Journey

Odin

Happy Pawlidays

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December 19th, 2017 Posted 6:27 pm

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Today marks 4 months without Odin. This milestone is a little tougher to deal with. He loved Christmas. He participated in the annual Lefse and Krumkake making and absolutely LOVED tearing open presents. So much so that I had to share mine and his siblings’ presents with him. I unpacked our Christmas decorations and found his paw print ornament I did for his first Christmas. I also found his Santa picture. Yes, I took him to see Santa and he looks terrifying in the photo, but he loved it.

 

I finally got the necklace back with his ashes in it. It couldn’t have turned out more perfect. I opened the box and card that came with it. I clutched the pendant and bawled my eyes out. After a couple of days I finally took his tag off, it belongs back on his collar that rests around his picture.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about Odin in therapy and the pain I’m feeling. I just can’t understand why it hurt so badly losing him and why I can’t move through the grief. My grandmother passed away last month and I found it surprisingly easy to move on. Although, she was sick and had been fighting for years. I assume I just never had the chance to accept Odin’s sickness before he left me. I was grieving my grandmother for quite a while before she actually passed. With Odin, I had no time. I didn’t get to accept his diagnosis and move through the process that I did with my grandma.

Last week I did EMDR in my session. If you aren’t familiar with it I encourage you to read up on it, especially if you are struggling with grief like I am. I came to the conclusion that I am stuck because I can’t accept that he was sick. I keep feeling like there needed to be a reason as to why he was sick. Cancer and science isn’t enough for me. I keep feeling like this was the Universe punishing me for doing something bad, but I can’t think of something that I’ve done so terrible that Odin had to suffer for it. I find myself angry and almost bargaining which I know are 2 steps in the process. When I first found out the cells were suspicious I didn’t cry. I just looked at him for a long period of time. I wasn’t going to accept it. I was going to save him. It was just a blip on the radar and he was going to be fine.

Why couldn’t I have saved him? I was supposed to have a year and a half with him. Not 2 fricken months. What the hell happened to that? Now he’s gone and every damn day of my life since he left I have sat here and obsessed over him. Every single hour he comes up in my mind. The one I turned to for support in situations like this isn’t here any more and I still don’t know what to do. What did I do so wrong to deserve this pain? What did I do so wrong that he had to suffer for it? Because ‘cancer is just a disease that happens’ isn’t a good enough reason for me. He wasn’t supposed to go yet.

It’s hard to enjoy the holiday when I’m still so angry.


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1 Turkey Short

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November 25th, 2017 Posted 11:18 pm

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Another month has come and gone. I’m stuck in the grief. I can’t seem to do what I need to do to move on. My mind still tells me he’s only gone for a little while and that he’ll be back soon. I brought this up to my therapist and she decided we should try EMDR to see if it will help me become unstuck. I’m hoping it works.

Thanksgiving went as well as it could without my big Turkey around. It was a very relaxed night with just my husband, daughter, mother, my mother’s friend, her daughter and I. I finally received an e mail from the lady who is doing my cremation necklace. Monday she will be starting the process. The necklace should be shipped on or before December 11th. It will be nice to have him near me as Christmas approaches. He was always my little helper when it came to setting up the tree and baking. He loved when I sang Christmas songs to him. I plan to sing them to Freya, but she just doesn’t show the same enthusiasm.

I didn’t think the first holidays would be this tough with out him. I guess I never thought I’d grieve as badly as I am. I find myself feeling as if no one gets it when I talk about how much I miss him. I tend to try and explain or justify the feelings. It’s as if I feel like I shouldn’t hurt so bad because he was ‘just a dog’ as society would say. But he wasn’t just a dog to me. He was everything. I shouldn’t care whether or not people get it. No one has ever given me any reason to think I should just get over it. Everyone knows how much he meant to me. Even people who don’t know me can see where I’m coming from. I’ve been told over and over that I don’t need to explain anything, they get it.

Grief is a very confusing thing.

Odin’s 1st Thanksgiving, 8 months old

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Missing a Monster on Halloween

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October 30th, 2017 Posted 3:34 pm

It’s starting to get colder here in the great state of Minnesota. The days are becoming shorter as well as darker. The sun has officially taken a hiatus. Everyone in the house is doing fine. Freya is really enjoying the cold weather, it’s definitely her season. Her winter coat is coming in so she’s looking extra poofy these days.

Tomorrow is Halloween, although we won’t be doing anything since the little one can’t really trick-or-treat yet. We’ll hand out candy until 7:30 then it’s lights out. Tyr can’t seem to not bark and wake the baby every time someone comes to the door. I think a lot of parents would empathize with me.

Odin loved Halloween. He liked watching the kids come to the door. He’d wait at the gate and just peer over it. The kids always like seeing him in the background with his ears perked and his little nub wagging. It still hurts to talk about him. I think of him every single day. I’ve stopped crying (most of the time) but my chest still hurts. The ache will never fade.

Speaking of Halloween and all things scary; I thought I’d share a list of what Odin was afraid of:

-Dust bunnies

-The broom

-The vacuum

-The gate

-Little dogs

-Cats that weren’t his

-A zombie key chain that’s eyes would pop out if you squeezed it

-People wearing gloves

-The hose

-The bath

-Nail trims

Those are only a few off the top of my head. Poor gentle giant!!

Now I’d like to share some fun Halloween pictures of him and Freya!

Odin as Batman for his first Halloween! Only 7 months old.

Freya’s first Halloween! 3 months old.

Odin became too big for any dog costumes, so he wore Angel Wings made for an adult human’s costume. 2 years old!

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2 Months

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October 19th, 2017 Posted 8:47 am

My heart is extremely heavy. Today marks 2 months without Odin. I took a peek at a few local rescues just to see. I thought maybe there would be a pup who I felt I needed to meet. There were plenty of adorable babies, but none that made my heart jump. I’m not actively looking for another dog, but if one happens to fall into my path that tells me Odin sent them then I will take them home.

I’ll never be able to find the connection I had with Odin in any other dog. That hole in my heart will never be filled, but its okay. I mean, it’s not okay, it’s heart wrenching, but its okay in the sense that no dog is supposed to “replace” or “be” Odin.

I still hurt inside. Every day. The hardest moments are when there is silence surrounding me. When the baby naps is when I feel that loneliness the most. I still reach for him as I cook, his big fat head was always next to me. Once my hand made contact he would always lean into my leg. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to not feel that anymore. Work isn’t much better. I see him everywhere I look, even when Freya tagged along last week to get her shots updated. It was tough having her there, but she had a great time.

I cleaned my office up yesterday. I sat on the floor as I sorted the mass amount of paperwork that has piled up over the past few months. When I took a break to sip my coffee I noticed some of his hair on my pant leg. I took as a very awkward sign that he was telling me he’s still around. I’ve vacuumed this office several times since he crossed the bridge, it’s hard to imagine there would be any hair from him left over. I’ve been waiting so long for some sort of sign that he hasn’t totally left me behind.

My mom had the baby this afternoon so when I got home from work I took Freya out for a walk. Just she and I. It was nice to get out and do something that was a normal routine for us before the baby was born and Odin was diagnosed. I think she appreciated it just as much as I did. I never took Odin for walks, they were always hard on him. After about 10 minutes we would need to head home because he would begin slowing down. Even as a youngster his hips bothered him. The poor guy could never win. I took him to the dog park a few times, but he scared people just because of how he looked. I stopped taking him. He didn’t deserve the evil looks and bad energy directed at him. I needed to protect him from the ignorance.

I’ve only cried twice today, but the heaviness I feel in my chest has been constant. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day.

 

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It Hurts Tonight…

2 Comments »

October 12th, 2017 Posted 3:00 am

 

I needed you more than ever today. I hope you’re doing okay, because I’m not.

I love you bud.

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