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Odin

Odin's Journey

Odin

2 Months

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October 19th, 2017 Posted 8:47 am

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My heart is extremely heavy. Today marks 2 months without Odin. I took a peek at a few local rescues just to see. I thought maybe there would be a pup who I felt I needed to meet. There were plenty of adorable babies, but none that made my heart jump. I’m not actively looking for another dog, but if one happens to fall into my path that tells me Odin sent them then I will take them home.

I’ll never be able to find the connection I had with Odin in any other dog. That hole in my heart will never be filled, but its okay. I mean, it’s not okay, it’s heart wrenching, but its okay in the sense that no dog is supposed to “replace” or “be” Odin.

I still hurt inside. Every day. The hardest moments are when there is silence surrounding me. When the baby naps is when I feel that loneliness the most. I still reach for him as I cook, his big fat head was always next to me. Once my hand made contact he would always lean into my leg. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to not feel that anymore. Work isn’t much better. I see him everywhere I look, even when Freya tagged along last week to get her shots updated. It was tough having her there, but she had a great time.

I cleaned my office up yesterday. I sat on the floor as I sorted the mass amount of paperwork that has piled up over the past few months. When I took a break to sip my coffee I noticed some of his hair on my pant leg. I took as a very awkward sign that he was telling me he’s still around. I’ve vacuumed this office several times since he crossed the bridge, it’s hard to imagine there would be any hair from him left over. I’ve been waiting so long for some sort of sign that he hasn’t totally left me behind.

My mom had the baby this afternoon so when I got home from work I took Freya out for a walk. Just she and I. It was nice to get out and do something that was a normal routine for us before the baby was born and Odin was diagnosed. I think she appreciated it just as much as I did. I never took Odin for walks, they were always hard on him. After about 10 minutes we would need to head home because he would begin slowing down. Even as a youngster his hips bothered him. The poor guy could never win. I took him to the dog park a few times, but he scared people just because of how he looked. I stopped taking him. He didn’t deserve the evil looks and bad energy directed at him. I needed to protect him from the ignorance.

I’ve only cried twice today, but the heaviness I feel in my chest has been constant. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day.

 


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It Hurts Tonight…

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October 12th, 2017 Posted 3:00 am

 

I needed you more than ever today. I hope you’re doing okay, because I’m not.

I love you bud.

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Fall is officially here….

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October 2nd, 2017 Posted 1:27 am

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Happy National Black Dog Day!

Last Sunday I decided to go over to my friend Hannah’s house who is the mom of Odin’s best friend Solomon. I felt seeing Solly would help ease some of the heartache that is still so very real. I hadn’t seen him in probably close to 2 years thanks to moving, a baby and Odin. I felt so good to see him lose his mind when I walked in. Solomon has gained a sister that I was able to finally meet. She definitely wanted to be the center of attention the entire visit, but Solomon got most of my love.

Tuesday night was rough. It was like everything hit me all over again. I realized that my mind keeps telling me that Odin has just gone away for a while and then I realize he’s not coming back. That night was one of those moments. I can’t pin point exactly why it happened, but it was hard. Seeing his empty dish, the meds in the cupboard when I took a tupperware out, looking at my necklace with his ID tag on it when I set it on my night stand; it all killed me. I spent a good hour scrolling through pictures of him wishing I could scratch his head. I’m still feeling really lost with out him.

I framed a picture of him and his paw print for my office. Now there is a piece of him in there when I’m working on my random stuff. My husband ran the Twin Cities Marathon today. It was cold, rainy and miserable, but also refreshing. I don’t know why, but breathing in the cold air of Fall is therapeutic in a way. I never feel like I can breathe when the air is thick and humid. I’ve been able to get through the day without crying now. I think the record has been 2 days, but I still think about him 24/7. I actually dreamt about the ash collection two nights ago. I’m still waiting for him to make an appearance. I chalk it up to him having way too much fun across the bridge with the rottweilers that came before him or maybe the unresolved grief is blocking the connection. I keep looking for his signs that everyone keeps telling me he’ll send, but I just can’t seem to see them.

I ordered a cremation necklace a week ago. The ash collection kit should be here by tomorrow. It will be a while before I receive the necklace, but I will post pictures once it’s here. The artist who is making it seems like an amazing woman. She requests a picture with a description of what the pet was like and favorite memories, as well as music that I listen to. Maybe this will be the final piece I need for closure.

I miss him.

My absolute favorite picture of Odin and I.

 

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1 Month Across the Rainbow Bridge

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September 20th, 2017 Posted 2:45 am

Today marks 1 month since Odin crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I wish I could say it has gotten easier. I guess it kind of has. I can at least talk about him. Saturday night my husband and I went to a wedding. When we got home we sat up and talked until midnight. I opened up about how badly I was struggling with out Odin. He reminded me that the way Odin passed away is something every owner hopes for. Odin died peacefully in his sleep on his bed. I didn’t have to make the decision for him. Tommy mentioned that even though I always said I would do right by him, I would have never been able to make that call. He was right. Odin didn’t want me to have to decide, so he made the decision for me. I told him about the loneliness. To feel lonely in a house with 2 dogs, a cat and a baby seems absurd, but it’s the truth. Every time I turned around that giant goof ball was right there. We used to joke that we had a Norma and Norman Bates thing going on. Even if I sat in the living room, where he wasn’t allowed, he would lay by the gate in a certain position so that he could still see me. He would hang his head over the gate and arch his neck to watch me as I walked up the stairs. His absolute favorite place to be was my office. He had his bed in there by my desk, he would lie next to me as I spent countless hours on my computer. In our old house he got to sleep in our room. Every morning Tommy would get up to shower before work and Odin would immediately jump up onto the bed in his spot. I would wrap my arms and legs around him like a monkey or he would lay his huge head on my chest and snore in my face. So basically, he was obsessed with me and I couldn’t help but love every second of it.

His urn came yesterday. I waited to open it until I laid the baby down for a nap. It weighed a crap ton, solid black marble. It’s absolutely perfect. I transferred his ashes then sat in silence with the urn in my lap. I rested my palms on the top of it as the sting behind my eyes returned. The knot in my throat followed. I rested my forehead where my hands were and cried….and cried and cried and cried. I hugged that giant marble box as tight as I could. Once the sob fest was over I placed the urn on the table under our projector screen, in the living room I spend most of my time in, where he wasn’t allowed when he was here physically. Now he doesn’t have to strain his neck to see me. He’s right in front of me.

I’ve decided to share a few of my favorite pictures of him, obviously these aren’t all of them I will share more as I keep posting.

Odin and his dad the night he came home.

Odin’s first bath

Caught red pawed

Odin and his daddy

Odin, his best friend Solomon and I doing what we do best (the Puppy Bowl wore us out)

A literal dog pile in bed at the old house.

His favorite place. My office with me and his siblings.

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In the silence of night

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September 13th, 2017 Posted 2:48 am

I am missing him more than ever today. UPS dropped a box at my door this morning. I was hoping it was the urn but as I approached the door, I suddenly started hoping it wasn’t. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t ready to see those ashes again and the thought of moving them killed me. Thankfully it was a package for Tommy.

I just want to wrap my arms around his neck like I have so many times in the last 6 years. He was always there when I was hurting so badly. I keep telling myself he’s still around, but it’s not good enough. I want to snuggle with him again. I was hoping I’d have a dream about him by now, but it hasn’t happened.

I keep second guessing myself. 3 weeks later and I’m still doing that. I’ve run through every scenario and every hint I may have missed that maybe would have made me diagnose the cancer sooner and then I could have saved him. Maybe I should have done a blood transfusion that night. Would that have made a difference? I was supposed to have a year and a half post amp. Not 2 months. I hope he knows I didn’t mean to miss any signs. I tried the best I could.

I fought as hard as I could for him so that he didn’t have to….

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