Another year has come and gone without you, Odin. Wow, just typing that first sentence already brought the tears on. I think about you every single day. Thankfully, good memories are slowly replacing the sad memories. A lot has changed around the house. Your human sister is walking and talking now. She loves your brother Tyr so much. Freya is still the same, although she has an issue with her left eye, but we are treating it. She will be on steroid drops for life, but only once a day. Your dad is training for the big Iron Man in a few weeks. I went back to work after taking a year off, I only do a couple Saturdays a month. That first day back was so hard. Walking into the x-ray room and seeing the table where I said my final goodbye to you hurt beyond belief. I talk about you often, today I even had a conversation with a co worker about you.
This week has been especially hard, Odin. Monday marked 2 years without you here. I cried a lot. Your birthday was hard too. I’ve honored your memory in so many ways. I dedicated the Walk for Animals this year to you, again. I fund raised for Tripawds for my birthday in honor of your name. I donated in your memory on Monday as well and I always make sure to reach out to every Tripawd parent I see on social media or in public and offer support, advice and direct them to this page. On your birthday I finally did something with your food bowl because I couldn’t stand the fact that it sat in the dark room where you took your last breath. After holding it for a while during a good sob fest, I filled it with pretend flowers and clipped your collar around it. My cousin Briana even painted my favorite picture of us as a Christmas gift, she is so talented for her age and is in a special high school for the arts.
Sometimes I worry the memories of how your fur felt, how your footsteps sounded and the sound of your bark will disappear. I’ll forget the sounds and feel lost. I fight everyday to keep those memories alive, but maybe I need to let them go. I don’t know. I am still having such a hard time even after 2 years. I never expected it to be like this, no one could have prepared me for this kind of hurt. I know it will be okay and most days I do feel okay, but I still do not feel peace. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel peace with you being gone. It just doesn’t seem right.
I just really really wish you were still here.
I haven’t posted since Odin’s birthday. Every time I wanted to I just thought ‘Why? I just write the same stuff every time in different ways’. Today I really felt the need to post something. One year ago today I found Odin in his bed unresponsive. It was the worst day of my life. Since that moment my mind has obsessed over him every day for 365 days. I think about him when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when it’s quiet, when it’s loud. I think of him every damn time I see another dog. I’m still so freaking lost without him.
This year I participated in the American Humane Society’s Walk for Animals. I created a team in Odin’s honor. We were “Odin’s Valkyries”. My dear friend Holly created shirts for us to wear and we were able to raise some money in his name and Tyr participated in the walk with me. For my birthday I asked people to donate money to the Tripawds foundation as a gift and I raised a heck of a lot more than I thought I would. I figured no one would donate so you can imagine the look on my face when the fundraiser closed with a total of $255.00.
Last night Tommy and I went to an amazing birthday party for a close friend who is mom to Freya’s litter mate. I was able to spend some quality time with him which was so incredibly wonderful. We got home a little late and I sent Tommy to bed and told him I would let the dogs out to potty. Once everyone was back inside and in their respective places for the night, I went into the living room just to sit for a few minutes in silence. I looked at Odin’s urn and just thought about the final words I spoke to him and the final goodnight hug and kiss. After a few minutes I decided I just needed to go to bed or I would sit there all night wallowing in grief. As I shut the lamp off I heard barking, but it didn’t sound like the neighbor dog. I realized it was the puzzle my mom had bought my daughter. There are about 8 different animals on it and when you match the puzzle piece to it’s space the animal will make a noise. I turned the lamp back on then shut it off again and once more the puzzle made the barking sound. I figure the light had something to do with it, but I couldn’t help thinking Odin was sending me some sort of sign that he was near. Maybe I’m a wack job and just desperate for some kind of connection, but it was a weird experience either way. Of all the animals on that puzzle, the dog noise was set off.
This morning I woke up feeling great. It was weird not to feel the immense sadness I was expecting. Around 10:30 I was making a grocery list when Tommy asked if I wanted to do anything special for Odin today……..and that was it. The floodgates opened. The rush of emotion that flooded my brain was too much. Poor Tommy was not expecting that reaction, I’m sure, but he just hugged me while I ugly cried into his shirt. I cried a little on the way to the store, there were a few moments I had to go hide in the tupperware aisle so I could let a few tears drop without attracting any attention and then my dad texted me asking if today was Odin’s anniversary which sent me into another tailspin. That’s when I decided I needed to write out a blog entry….and yes I’m currently sobbing as I type this out. The pain is still very real, I’m still coping every day. I hope that somewhere in the near future it won’t hurt as bad. I just wasn’t ready for him to go.
I miss him.
It’s been a while since I popped in. I’ve been reading everything on the Tripawds Facebook page though, just to stay up to date. This week has been a rough one. Odin’s 7th birthday is on Sunday and I’m having mixed emotions. In our house we celebrate the pets’ birthdays just like we do with our own. I make some sort of treat, do a yearly photo and what not. I plan to still make a treat to celebrate him. I feel like I’m back pedaling this week. I was feeling more at peace with Odin’s passing and suddenly now I feel like I’m back to square one. The sadess, anger and denial is still very real.
Every day he crosses my mind. Honestly, and this may sound harsh, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of obsessing over him and remembering that he’s literally never coming back no matter how hard I pray and wish and hope. It’s not going to happen. I feel so chained down in my grief. I don’t mean this in a way that is disrespectful of his memory, I’m just tired. No matter how many times I share his story, his photos and my feelings it doesn’t help.
This week I logged into Facebook to do my usual nosy scrolling and I had a notification I was tagged in a post. I get tagged in a lot of rescue things and rottweiler related things since I am active in those communities. I took a look at the post and my mouth actually dropped. A rescue posted the story of an 8 month old rottweiler who was in their care and looking for an adoptive home. He had been found with a shattered knee and the surgeons couldn’t fix it so they amputated. It was the same leg Odin had lost and this young pup looked so much like him. My heart started racing and I could feel the tears coming. If his age is correct, he was born only a few weeks before Odin crossed the bridge and he was being presented to me a mere days before Odin’s birthday. I ran up the stairs and woke my husband up in tears. Ofcourse he thought someone in the family had died so he was panicking as I went through my phone desperately trying to find the post again to show him. He was speechless. He just kept reading the story over and over while looking at the pictures. He asked me what I wanted to do and I had no answer for him. I just wanted someone to look at these pictures and feel the way I felt. Tommy told me to just let the feelings out then let him know what I wanted to do. He said he supported whatever decision I made.
I spent 2 days thinking about this dog. I came to a conclusion after talking with my mom. I decided this pup didn’t belong with me. A rottweiler his age still needed training, he would need a little rehab, the chance of him blowing his acl in his other leg was high as well as the other complications that come with tripods in the future such as arthritis. He needed more than I could give him. I had to be realistic. I have a very mobile toddler who requires 90% of my attention and Freya has made such great progress behavior wise that I fear bringing a new dog in will jeopardize that (she had a problem with being destructive and peeing in the house which all ended when Odin crossed over). In the end, I couldn’t make this boy a priority and he deserves a home that can do that for him. Also, at the end of the day, he wasn’t Odin and that is what I really wanted. Bringing him into our home would be for selfish reasons even though I have the experience with both his breed and condition. I reached out to the rescue anyway just to see if he would be at the adoption event coming up, I thought maybe I could bring him something and that meeting him might help my aching heart. The rescue told me he wouldn’t be there but that he had several applications for adoption coming in, so that made me feel so much better about my decision.
I think this whole scenario was just a way for the Universe, or perhaps Odin, to tell me things were okay. It solidified that getting another dog wasn’t right for me at this time, it wasn’t going to make things better or help me move on right now.
I still miss him so much.
Happy Birthday, Big Guy
Happy 2018 every body!! I have to be honest, I’ve never been so happy a year is over in my life. 2017 was a rough one. My daughter was born at the end of 2016 so by the new year I was starting my battle with post-partum depression and Odin had started limping. This time last year was when things started spiraling for me and I tried to hang on the best I could.
I’m hoping 2018 is gentle and completely uneventful for me. I would love one super boring year. Two weeks ago my 14 month old daughter got the flu……the following week I tested positive for Influenza A. I’m finally back to normal but holy moly it was rough. You have to love these Minnesota winters *eye roll*.
Things were going great in therapy and I was really making headway on navigating through my grief of losing Odin. I even had a dream about him FINALLY. I didn’t see his face but the dream started with me just touching his fur and petting the back of his neck. As soon as I started realizing who it was I began petting faster as the emotions crept up, and then I awoke. Talk about torture. I tried so hard to go back to sleep so I could just connect with him but it didn’t work.
Tuesday night I was missing him so badly. I don’t know what prompted it. I haven’t shed tears over him since I got my cremains necklace back, so almost a month. I cried myself to sleep as memories of the good days and the final days flooded my brain. That night I had a dream I was standing in my basement and saw a blur of him run by the window. Last night I actually dreamed I was outside watching him, Freya and Tyr romp in the snow together. He looked so happy except one thing….he was holding that leg up. The one that was amputated. I remember feeling a huge disappointment in my chest and in my dream I turned to my husband and said “He still won’t use that leg”. That was it. I woke up. I didn’t get to talk to him or pet him like I had hoped.
This morning I had a therapy session and I tried to pick apart the dream. I found that the disappointment I felt was because I thought once he crossed the bridge he would be healthy again. He would have all 4 legs. There would be no limping, soreness or struggle. In my dream I knew he wasn’t here anymore, I felt I was seeing him on the other side of the bridge, so why was he still holding that leg up? I came to the conclusion that even in death I worry about him. I often wonder if he is okay with out me. I think it’s because I am so lost without him on this side and I don’t want him to feel like that. I want him to be healthy, pain free and happy. I’m still hoping I can break that wall and reunite with him in my sleep. I’d give anything to just talk to him or sit with him.
This all seems like it would sound crazy to anyone reading it, but I know a lot of you who read this will completely understand what I’m saying and empathize with how I feel. I joined a group on Facebook called The Dogspotting Society. It’s basically just a group that you post pictures of your dogs in. My newsfeed is just full of dogs now and it’s so nice. I love when someone requests a thread of rottweilers. I’ve shared Odin’s story and I have even reached out to a few members with new tripawds. I offered my support and mentioned to check out Tripawds for advice and resources. It’s been nice to be active in that group. I feel it has helped my heart heal a little bit.
Last Friday my cat Rocket turned 13, the day also marked 5 months without Odin here. It was bittersweet. I did find a picture of Odin right before his first ACL procedure and it was amazing to look at. He was so young and healthy. What I’d give to see that face smiling back at me again……
Today marks 4 months without Odin. This milestone is a little tougher to deal with. He loved Christmas. He participated in the annual Lefse and Krumkake making and absolutely LOVED tearing open presents. So much so that I had to share mine and his siblings’ presents with him. I unpacked our Christmas decorations and found his paw print ornament I did for his first Christmas. I also found his Santa picture. Yes, I took him to see Santa and he looks terrifying in the photo, but he loved it.
I finally got the necklace back with his ashes in it. It couldn’t have turned out more perfect. I opened the box and card that came with it. I clutched the pendant and bawled my eyes out. After a couple of days I finally took his tag off, it belongs back on his collar that rests around his picture.
I’ve spent a lot of time talking about Odin in therapy and the pain I’m feeling. I just can’t understand why it hurt so badly losing him and why I can’t move through the grief. My grandmother passed away last month and I found it surprisingly easy to move on. Although, she was sick and had been fighting for years. I assume I just never had the chance to accept Odin’s sickness before he left me. I was grieving my grandmother for quite a while before she actually passed. With Odin, I had no time. I didn’t get to accept his diagnosis and move through the process that I did with my grandma.
Last week I did EMDR in my session. If you aren’t familiar with it I encourage you to read up on it, especially if you are struggling with grief like I am. I came to the conclusion that I am stuck because I can’t accept that he was sick. I keep feeling like there needed to be a reason as to why he was sick. Cancer and science isn’t enough for me. I keep feeling like this was the Universe punishing me for doing something bad, but I can’t think of something that I’ve done so terrible that Odin had to suffer for it. I find myself angry and almost bargaining which I know are 2 steps in the process. When I first found out the cells were suspicious I didn’t cry. I just looked at him for a long period of time. I wasn’t going to accept it. I was going to save him. It was just a blip on the radar and he was going to be fine.
Why couldn’t I have saved him? I was supposed to have a year and a half with him. Not 2 fricken months. What the hell happened to that? Now he’s gone and every damn day of my life since he left I have sat here and obsessed over him. Every single hour he comes up in my mind. The one I turned to for support in situations like this isn’t here any more and I still don’t know what to do. What did I do so wrong to deserve this pain? What did I do so wrong that he had to suffer for it? Because ‘cancer is just a disease that happens’ isn’t a good enough reason for me. He wasn’t supposed to go yet.
It’s hard to enjoy the holiday when I’m still so angry.
