9 Days
It has been 9 days since Odin crossed that bridge. The bridge that was once beautiful in my mind, but is now ugly. I caught myself thinking I needed to let him out before I got the baby’s bottle going this morning.
I promised myself I wouldn’t give up this blog. I apologize for going radio silent. I never realized that I don’t know how to grieve. I broke out in hives the Sunday night after Odin passed. They became so severe that I took 1 trip to the doctor and 2 trips to urgent care. My bed side table looks like a small pharmacy and I missed 2 days of work.
Clearly it doesn’t matter that I knew it was coming, him leaving I mean. I tried to deal with it how I deal with everything else. I fall, I cry, I get up, laugh a bit through the tears and move on. Not this time.
I tried distracting myself with activities, projects and visitors. It felt as if I was trying as hard as I could to be distracted every second I was awake. I gave myself no time to grieve after Saturday.
My husband, Tommy, came home from his trip Tuesday morning. The first thing he asked me was if I was okay. I said yeah, but deep down I wasn’t. I found a beautiful urn for Odin’s ashes once they came back. A black marble box with the Valknut symbol engraved on the side.
Thursday morning I got the text letting me know Odin was waiting for me at the clinic. I had every intention of going in to get him, but my body just couldn’t take it. I was bed ridden. I only woke up to go to the bathroom. Thank god for my mother who took over with the baby while Tommy was at work.
Friday morning after my second visit at Urgent Care, I went in to work to drop off my doctor’s note and pick up the ashes. I thought that maybe having him home would ease the sting. When I picked up that heavy box that contained his ashes I practically sprinted to the food room and fell to the floor, sobbing. It was as if I found him in my den all over again. I held him tight to my chest as the waves of silent tears rushed through.
My locker had a card from a client I’ve grown close to, who knows exactly how I was feeling. There was a rottweiler pillow and a small board book copy of ‘Good Dog Carl’ from a co-worker. I took the card but left the rest. I just had to get out of there as fast as possible. I was hugged by every co worker and even a client who was there for an appointment came back to hug me. The support was overwhelming.
The box sat on my center console the whole drive home. I spent the rest of the day in bed, with the box next to me.
Saturday morning I found myself becoming angry again. I wanted to wipe away every memory of him from my house. I didn’t want to see any reminder that he was gone from my life.
Disoriented is the only word that comes to mind when people ask me how I am. There is a GIANT hole missing in my every day routine. I don’t go say good morning to him in the den right away, I don’t take him out separately from the other dogs, I don’t have a 3rd bowl to fill, no meds to mash up in canned food. The bowl lies empty on a shelf, the un-used meds sit in the cupboard, the den remains an empty grave yard. I finally opened the door to that room, but it’s still hard to go in there, I hate it. I can clean those carpets, fill the room with furniture and pictures, but I will always hate that room.
Sunday morning I transferred his ashes to a temporary chest until his urn arrives and it about killed me. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, I cried again. I let everything go for a few minutes and then when the tears dried I placed him on the table next to his picture.
A thought did cross my mind, when does the grieving stop and it just becomes me feeling sorry for myself? I know I need to cut myself a break, it’s only been 9 days, but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m trying to fill my head with memories but I can’t even talk about him in past tense.
I guess when it comes to feeling like crap, I am not a patient person.
My best friend is gone and I’m pissed.
This entry was posted on Monday, August 28th, 2017 at 6:44 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
7:56 pm on August 28th, 2017
Odin is just beautiful and its clear from the pics you loved him deeply. 9 days is still very new. I’m 1.5 months in and still have those days, but it does get a bit better in time. I’m so sorry you are still hurting so deep. EVERYONE grieves in their own time & way so don’t question your feelings, just feel them. Do what YOU need to do to feel better. Do u & your husband reminisce together? I found that with Kylie, the more we started talking out all the good memories & stories of her, I was able to reframe my hurt & pain into feeling so grateful I had her 10 amazing years. Thinking of you! Hugs!
11:20 pm on August 28th, 2017
Odin is beautiful. I know the pain you are feeling all too well. I will say this cut yourself some slack. No one can tell you when its going to stop hurting. For some it takes a long time and others not so long. Does it mean they loved their furbabies less? No it doesn’t. Does it mean they still don’t have days that they just want to close themselves off in a blanket fort. They probably do.
Grief comes in waves. Anger is a normal thing. You may at this time think of the Rainbow Bridge as ugly but remember this, Odin is waiting there. I think its beautiful. I personally think of Sassy running and playing with my other dogs and all our Warriors and Princess Warriors up there waiting on us. Does that mean you are wrong for thinking it as ugly at this time no. But I know that is grief talking because your boy is gone.
Sometimes it takes talking to someone to help seeing that you have a right to feel the way you do. I know my vet had a list of grief counselors we also had a hospice/grief business in our area for pets. I know that some of the teaching colleges might have them to. Am I saying you need it no. Just it can help to talk to someone.
hugs to you
Michelle & Angel Sassy
4:24 pm on August 29th, 2017
My darling girl,
Bless your big heart for loving your boy Odin as much as you do! We all understand how much you’re hurting, but only you can feel it!
When I lost my Mojo, I thought my world had come to an end… for months I kept seeing him in the corner of my eye and I would break down in tears, knowing that he would never be in my arms again! Yes it hurts terribly! And yes, you’re allowed to scream & cry and tell the world that you’re angry!
I finally came to realize, as you will with Odin, that Mojo will always be with me, he will always be my special baby boy and whenever his name accidentally comes to my lips, I now smile and say “Hello Mojo!”
Try talking about Odin, he was and is too precious… you’re human, if a memory hurts, feel it… if it’s a fun memory, smile… if you miss his company, go and have a private chat with him… He will be there to hear you!
Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Sloppy kisses from Stewie👅🐾
& all the very best from his adoring pack,
Petra, Paul, Mr. Spike, Chester Molester & Miss Lily 🐾🐾🐾❤️
9:04 pm on August 29th, 2017
We understand. We understand like no others can.
These pictures of Odin really, really capture his sweetness….his gentleness…and the love you two share. That dog has the most gentle “look”….his eyes….such a gentle and content look.
I wish we could all find a way to bypass the gutwrenching grief…the grief that makes your whole world stop…the grief that seems like it has no end. We just have to get through it one minute at a time. It hurts. But itsw the only way to clear a path for the happier times to move in. Itsw the only way to let Odin know that you will be okay and you will be able to smile at all the happy times he shared with you…eventually…slooowly but surely.
For whatever it’s worth, every single emotion you are feeling is necessary to get through this. You may feel like you are going crazy, but you aren’t!
When you can, maybe you can make a little “celebration if life” garden and plant an evergreen using some of Odi ‘s ashes to help provide ntrients to the soil to help grow that life affirming tree in honkr of Odin. Maybe a little table ext to your bed with some of Odin’s pictures that make you smile. You can say good night and good morning to your special boy who is always by your side.
PKEASE STAY CCONNECTED! We care so deepley and we love that Odin with all our hearts!
Love and surrounding you with Odin’s forever smoochable mug
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too
9:06 pm on August 29th, 2017
PS…Just wa ted to highlight what Michelle said z out the Bridge. Yeah, that’s my vision too. They are free of pain, healr and whole, frolicking in lovely meadows….eating junk food for supper….and waiting for us to join them when the time comes
5:52 pm on September 3rd, 2017
I can remember back to how I felt when we lost Jerry and I know what you mean. The loss of routines and all the things we did on a daily basis to care for him hurt so much. It took a long, long time until I could get through the day without breaking down. You will get there too.
That old saying “You can’t go around grief, you have to go THROUGH it,” is so true. Be patient and good to yourself sweetie. This is one of those things in life that we can learn from but it takes time. Don’t rush yourself, you are on nobody’s timeline but your own.
If you want to talk please do call our helpline OK? We are always here for you. {{{{hugs}}}
12:04 am on September 5th, 2017
Not that I’m saying something you don’t already know, but wow Odin was beautiful. Sometimes in the Tripawd site, I feel a little out of place…but how I got here was because I lost part of my heart right before Thanksgiving last year. Cancer came and stole my boy like a frigging thief. I was told he had four to six months…we got one. One month is not enough time. When you’re talking about a piece of your heart, forever is the only acceptable amount of time. What led me to y’all was my boy that I lost, Aries, begged me in my dreams to save someone else. He wasn’t saying, “replace me”, he was telling me I had more love to give than just to his brother and sister…ours needs to be a 3-dog house. A week later, we saved Sway, my little Carolina Dog. He had a bad limp that I hoped was only a dislocation, which it wasn’t. He had been a seizure case from a hoarder and the injury was from being hit or kicked in his 6 months of his life. I felt the love come back into my home and my heart. Mourn your Odin, but be good to yourself and when the time feels right, maybe save someone. I feel Aries with me everyday, I get a flash of white in the corner of my eye sometimes, Aries was my only white pup, and I can see a lot of his mannerisms in a pup that he never got to know but I know he loves him regardless. Hugs to you and prayers for your hurting heart.
7:49 pm on September 5th, 2017
First of all. Odin – such a handsome boy. I”m so sorry from the bottom of my heart for your loss.
Of course your a pissed! It’s going to take time. That hole in your heart never closes fully. The first year without my boy was horrible. To top it off – I left my husband right before the diagnosis so it was the year from hell. I tell you this because healing is possible. DON’T GIVE UP. Odin would not want you to. You don’t have to move on but as time progresses (months) you will cry less. You may want to keep some of his stuff. I kept Buddy’s favorite toys and I’ll never get rid of them, he’s been gone for 17months.
You are not alone. You have us. We can help you through if you let us or need us. Seriously. My friends and Tripawds are what helped me to cry a little less, move past the incapacitating grief and begin to heal. I feel Buddy’s presence in my life in so many ways. Sometimes so unexpected. Odin will send you signs in you let him.
My heart breaks for you. Please know that you are NOT alone. The Helpline is there for you. If no one answers, LEAVE A MESSAGE!! You will get a phone call back!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Julie and Spirit Buddy
5:42 am on September 6th, 2017
We started out with three dogs and 5 cats . Petey is the tripadw but not from cancer. He was mauled and lost his left front leg. We are down to just Petey and 5 cats but one cat is really sick so who knows. I think we all know that sinking feeling . We all have had one or more pass and it really sucked . There are no words of comfort that can make that feeling go away . It hurts . It hurts so much it’s like you lost everything and there’s no hope. Funny thing is the only pain that is worse that I can remember was when I lost my dad. I was a wreck for more than a year. If anything would ever happen to my wife , I think that would be it for me .
We just lost the sweetest dog ever ( at least we thought so )not a week ago and it’s killing me . I can ‘t eat or sleep and when I walk Petey I almost cry immediately. IT SUCKS !!! I’m sorry but it does and that’s the way it is. I know how you feel .
BUT it gets less hard. It will never get any easier but it does really get less hard.One day you will start not feeling like just crying. One day it won’t suck . You will remember mostly all the good about what you had and still have. It takes time . And no one can tell you how long or what will help but you will figure it all out . After all my years on this earth I can tell you it’s true. As time goes ,you realize that he will always be in your heart. He lives there now and sleeps waiting for you .
There will be a day when you are back together healthy and complete and running and playing , you , your family and Odin
My heart goes out to you . I pray for him and you and your family that the less hard part comes quickly . RIP Odin RIP Butchy
7:06 pm on September 13th, 2017
Oh, my friend.
Grief is unpredicable and unknowable no matter how much we prepare for it. When it comes, you can only endure – hold on – survive the waves that feel like they will crush us.
Odin does not want this for you, but he understands it. Honored by it. The intesity of your anger and grief reflects the tremendous love you had for him (and he you).
You’ll make it. He wants you to make it. You will find your footing again, but in the inbetween, do whatever it takes to love you like he wishes he still could, and hold on.