Odin

Happy Pawlidays

Today marks 4 months without Odin. This milestone is a little tougher to deal with. He loved Christmas. He participated in the annual Lefse and Krumkake making and absolutely LOVED tearing open presents. So much so that I had to share mine and his siblings’ presents with him. I unpacked our Christmas decorations and found his paw print ornament I did for his first Christmas. I also found his Santa picture. Yes, I took him to see Santa and he looks terrifying in the photo, but he loved it.

I finally got the necklace back with his ashes in it. It couldn’t have turned out more perfect. I opened the box and card that came with it. I clutched the pendant and bawled my eyes out. After a couple of days I finally took his tag off, it belongs back on his collar that rests around his picture.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about Odin in therapy and the pain I’m feeling. I just can’t understand why it hurt so badly losing him and why I can’t move through the grief. My grandmother passed away last month and I found it surprisingly easy to move on. Although, she was sick and had been fighting for years. I assume I just never had the chance to accept Odin’s sickness before he left me. I was grieving my grandmother for quite a while before she actually passed. With Odin, I had no time. I didn’t get to accept his diagnosis and move through the process that I did with my grandma.

Last week I did EMDR in my session. If you aren’t familiar with it I encourage you to read up on it, especially if you are struggling with grief like I am. I came to the conclusion that I am stuck because I can’t accept that he was sick. I keep feeling like there needed to be a reason as to why he was sick. Cancer and science isn’t enough for me. I keep feeling like this was the Universe punishing me for doing something bad, but I can’t think of something that I’ve done so terrible that Odin had to suffer for it. I find myself angry and almost bargaining which I know are 2 steps in the process. When I first found out the cells were suspicious I didn’t cry. I just looked at him for a long period of time. I wasn’t going to accept it. I was going to save him. It was just a blip on the radar and he was going to be fine.

Why couldn’t I have saved him? I was supposed to have a year and a half with him. Not 2 fricken months. What the hell happened to that? Now he’s gone and every damn day of my life since he left I have sat here and obsessed over him. Every single hour he comes up in my mind. The one I turned to for support in situations like this isn’t here any more and I still don’t know what to do. What did I do so wrong to deserve this pain? What did I do so wrong that he had to suffer for it? Because ‘cancer is just a disease that happens’ isn’t a good enough reason for me. He wasn’t supposed to go yet.

It’s hard to enjoy the holiday when I’m still so angry.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 19th, 2017 at 6:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.