48 Hours
48 hours have passed since you left. I look for you every time I walk into the kitchen, but you aren’t there. I wait to hear your excited snorts as I walk down the stairs, but I hear nothing.The silence is deafening.
Your grandma stayed with me Saturday night. We made popcorn and watched Moana. Tyr and Freya caught the rogue kernels that popped out of the pot. You would have loved it.
I’m so tired, Odin. I can’t sleep. All day I’ve been surrounded by people and distractions. When I finally crawl into bed at the end of the night I cry. I cry myself to sleep just to wake up an hour or two later. I know it would kill you to see me this way. Please understand I’m trying my hardest, but I miss you so much.
Sunday I got into my car for the first time since I dropped you off. I could smell you. I saw the stains left behind. I tried to scrub them out, I tried to get the smell out of my car. It won’t fade. I rubbed dryer sheets all over the seats and floor. I vacuumed your hair off the seats. I found your rawhide under one of them. You know, the rawhide I brought with you when we first did x rays. I cleaned your nose prints off the window.
Turns out the dryer sheets and I don’t get along because I broke out in hives. The doctor prescribed me the same exact dosage of prednisone that you were on.
The den has been closed off since you departed. I have only been able to bring myself to go in there once.
The place you slept for the past 7 months is empty. Your bed is gone. That’s what i carried you out on. I leave the shutter doors open to the porch so the sun can still beam in just as you liked. Your grandma had to wash your food bowl. It was half full with your last meal. I accidentally called your name today when I called Freya and Tyr in from outside.
I’m mad at you. I’m mad that you left me. I know your body was tired. I know you couldn’t fight anymore. I know I did the best I could to save you, but it doesn’t change that fact that you’re gone.
I keep asking myself “what if?”. What if I hadn’t taken you in on Friday? Would you still be here? Did I put the stress on your body by dragging you in?
People keep telling me what a great mom I was to you and how I did more than most people would. But even after the months of picking you up off the floor by myself and being your support as you learned to move around with 3 legs, I feel like I failed you. I can be reminded every day that I was “such a great mom” but it won’t change the fact that I feel I failed you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
I would give anything to run my hands through your coat one more time and wrap my arms around your neck.
I feel some people don’t understand how I feel and believe I’m being over dramatic. I never imagined how much pain my heart would take on when you’d finally say goodbye.
When is this pain going to alleviate? When will I make it 24 hours without crying? You always came running when you’d hear me cry. You always licked my tears away and laid your giant block head in my lap. Freya tries so hard and I love her for it, but it’s not you.
They aren’t my Odin’s kisses.
I miss you so much.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 22nd, 2017 at 5:47 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
7:15 pm on August 22nd, 2017
Allow yourself to grieve. Odin was a huge part of your life for years and especially so these last few months. The void they leave us with after the months of love and care we give them is huge and hard to navigate. I remember wondering if I’d ever be able to wake each morning without the tears that stung my eyes as I “remembered” my boy was gone each day. I found I had to forgive myself for not being able to “fix” him. I couldn’t control this battle cancer had waged on my boy. Some battles just can’t be won. In time I learned that no matter what I had or had not done cancer had its own agenda. The pain is never completely gone but it does eventually mix in with the love you share and the precious good memories that begin to overtake the sadness. Be kind to yourself at this hardest part of the journey. Odin would want that for you!
Linda & Spirit Mighty Max
8:52 pm on August 22nd, 2017
Oh darling, so much to say, but none of it would help right now… it is obvious that you love your boy dearly! You need to grieve, his love was too great not to!
Take good care of yourself and your family and know that Odin will ALWAYS be with you!
Our deepest sympathies to you all.
Stewie, Petra, Paul, Spike, Chester & Lily. ❤️🐾
10:45 pm on August 22nd, 2017
I’m crying right along with you as I read your post. Its all so fresh. My Kylie girl has been gone just over a month now & it still hurts. The memories are still there throughout the home. Acutally the home is just a house now, not a home. I feel your pain. I hope it gets easier in time. They are just such a huge part of our lives. But don’t beat yourself up with the “what if’s” I did that too & it does no good but just bring more pain. Be proud of all you did for Odin right to the end. He knew it. I know he did. They know. We have to believe that. My favourite saying right now is don’t be sad because its over, smile because it happened. We were so lucky to be pet parents to these wonderful Tripawds & we have wonderful memories to cherish!
Hugs to you xo
Chris & spirit Kylie
10:48 pm on August 22nd, 2017
I think what you are feeling is completely normal and is an unfortunate (and important) part of the grieving process. The pain that you are feeling is just a testament to how much you loved Odin, how much he meant to you and what a huge role he plays in your life story. It is ok to be sad, to be mad, to want him back but please don’t blame yourself. If any of us had any power to change the cancer that takes our kiddos, we would. You did the best you could faced with horrible decisions. Odin wasn’t spending his time wondering why this happened or how unfair it was and that’s a blessing. He just woke up every day loving his family, looking for a treat, a hug and a fun toy – and he got all of those things EVERY day with YOU. You made him happy, made his life fun, made him important, made him feel loved and that is the greatest gift.
Sending big hugs from right here in MN,
<3 Amy & Rusty
1:23 am on August 23rd, 2017
Every word of this – I understand every single one. I picked up Izzy’s collar today from the vet and drove my “dog mobile” for the first time since I brought it home empty. It smells like Izzy. It’s covered in her hair, nose prints on the window, crumbs on the floor. I can’t bring myself to clean it. Her bed is right where it always was and I look at it every morning before I walk out the door and I still say the same thing I always did, “Be a good girl and you have a good day. Momma loves you.”
I second guess myself every moment that I’m home alone, even though I know that I did everything I could. It hasn’t stopped my heart from breaking, so I understand your devastation. Ignore those who say you are being dramatic – they don’t understand.
There are many other truths I could tell in an attempt to make you feel better, but I won’t. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, broken … we will still be here to listen for as long as you need.
Try to get some sleep – maybe sweet Odin will visit you in your dreams and deliver some kisses. Talk to him, ask him to say hello … he’s listening.
xoxo,
Amy & my beautiful big girl, angel Izzy
2:27 am on August 24th, 2017
It takes time. No one can say when it won’t hurt and when you won’t cry. Shoot, Sassy has been at the bridge for 4 years now. I still have my days that I cry. I get the hurt and pain. This is the part of it that is so personal and raw for each one of us. Ours is this journey alone the grief part. It’s a bear. We have each other for support but each journey is different in our grief.
I was told at the beginning of my journey with Sassy that I wouldn’t realize how much bonding we did until she was gone. That part is so so true.
My thoughts are with you. Watch for Odin’s signs he will give them.
xoxoxo
Michelle & Angel Sassy
6:45 pm on August 24th, 2017
We understand….oh how we understand! Your feelings are “safe” with us, okay? We understand. Grief has no timeframe. There are no “rules for handling grief” one must follow. Whatever gets YOU from one moment to the next is all that matters!
I remember I cried every day for two months! Some days it was just a few minutes of muffled cries, and some days I was knocked to my knees with uncontrollable sobs!
A couple of things “helped” me. Just like you noted, I knew my Happy Hannah woukd NOT want me to be sad. She would want me to focus on the happy times because that’s what she is doing…..that’s what Odin is doing.
The other thing I reminded myself. If someone told me the grief would immediately stop, but it would mean I would never have had Happy Hannah in my life…..would I make the trade? HELL NO!!! Nor would you! And Odin would not have traded one single second of his life….not one single second…if it meant he couldn’t have you as his Soul Mate!! Odin picked you to share his earthly journey with him…..out of everyone in the Planet he picked you!!! And he’s been bragging at the Bridge non-stop about what an excellent choice he made! He’s telling everyone he had the best time evvvvver!!
When you can, please share more of your earth time with Odin…and with pictures! Odin has the sweetest face with the most expressive eyes I think I’ve ever seen! His look nust melts my heart. Such a sweet boy.
Did you get your tattoo? We wourkd love to see it.
STAY CONNECTED, okay? We all hurt with you, and we all celebrate the privilege of getting to know Odin and seeing the beautiful bond you two shared.
With love
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!