2 Months
My heart is extremely heavy. Today marks 2 months without Odin. I took a peek at a few local rescues just to see. I thought maybe there would be a pup who I felt I needed to meet. There were plenty of adorable babies, but none that made my heart jump. I’m not actively looking for another dog, but if one happens to fall into my path that tells me Odin sent them then I will take them home.
I’ll never be able to find the connection I had with Odin in any other dog. That hole in my heart will never be filled, but its okay. I mean, it’s not okay, it’s heart wrenching, but its okay in the sense that no dog is supposed to “replace” or “be” Odin.
I still hurt inside. Every day. The hardest moments are when there is silence surrounding me. When the baby naps is when I feel that loneliness the most. I still reach for him as I cook, his big fat head was always next to me. Once my hand made contact he would always lean into my leg. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to not feel that anymore. Work isn’t much better. I see him everywhere I look, even when Freya tagged along last week to get her shots updated. It was tough having her there, but she had a great time.
I cleaned my office up yesterday. I sat on the floor as I sorted the mass amount of paperwork that has piled up over the past few months. When I took a break to sip my coffee I noticed some of his hair on my pant leg. I took as a very awkward sign that he was telling me he’s still around. I’ve vacuumed this office several times since he crossed the bridge, it’s hard to imagine there would be any hair from him left over. I’ve been waiting so long for some sort of sign that he hasn’t totally left me behind.
My mom had the baby this afternoon so when I got home from work I took Freya out for a walk. Just she and I. It was nice to get out and do something that was a normal routine for us before the baby was born and Odin was diagnosed. I think she appreciated it just as much as I did. I never took Odin for walks, they were always hard on him. After about 10 minutes we would need to head home because he would begin slowing down. Even as a youngster his hips bothered him. The poor guy could never win. I took him to the dog park a few times, but he scared people just because of how he looked. I stopped taking him. He didn’t deserve the evil looks and bad energy directed at him. I needed to protect him from the ignorance.
I’ve only cried twice today, but the heaviness I feel in my chest has been constant. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day.
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