Another month has come and gone. I’m stuck in the grief. I can’t seem to do what I need to do to move on. My mind still tells me he’s only gone for a little while and that he’ll be back soon. I brought this up to my therapist and she decided we should try EMDR to see if it will help me become unstuck. I’m hoping it works.
Thanksgiving went as well as it could without my big Turkey around. It was a very relaxed night with just my husband, daughter, mother, my mother’s friend, her daughter and I. I finally received an e mail from the lady who is doing my cremation necklace. Monday she will be starting the process. The necklace should be shipped on or before December 11th. It will be nice to have him near me as Christmas approaches. He was always my little helper when it came to setting up the tree and baking. He loved when I sang Christmas songs to him. I plan to sing them to Freya, but she just doesn’t show the same enthusiasm.
I didn’t think the first holidays would be this tough with out him. I guess I never thought I’d grieve as badly as I am. I find myself feeling as if no one gets it when I talk about how much I miss him. I tend to try and explain or justify the feelings. It’s as if I feel like I shouldn’t hurt so bad because he was ‘just a dog’ as society would say. But he wasn’t just a dog to me. He was everything. I shouldn’t care whether or not people get it. No one has ever given me any reason to think I should just get over it. Everyone knows how much he meant to me. Even people who don’t know me can see where I’m coming from. I’ve been told over and over that I don’t need to explain anything, they get it.
Grief is a very confusing thing.
Odin’s 1st Thanksgiving, 8 months old
It’s starting to get colder here in the great state of Minnesota. The days are becoming shorter as well as darker. The sun has officially taken a hiatus. Everyone in the house is doing fine. Freya is really enjoying the cold weather, it’s definitely her season. Her winter coat is coming in so she’s looking extra poofy these days.
Tomorrow is Halloween, although we won’t be doing anything since the little one can’t really trick-or-treat yet. We’ll hand out candy until 7:30 then it’s lights out. Tyr can’t seem to not bark and wake the baby every time someone comes to the door. I think a lot of parents would empathize with me.
Odin loved Halloween. He liked watching the kids come to the door. He’d wait at the gate and just peer over it. The kids always like seeing him in the background with his ears perked and his little nub wagging. It still hurts to talk about him. I think of him every single day. I’ve stopped crying (most of the time) but my chest still hurts. The ache will never fade.
Speaking of Halloween and all things scary; I thought I’d share a list of what Odin was afraid of:
-Dust bunnies
-The broom
-The vacuum
-The gate
-Little dogs
-Cats that weren’t his
-A zombie key chain that’s eyes would pop out if you squeezed it
-People wearing gloves
-The hose
-The bath
-Nail trims
Those are only a few off the top of my head. Poor gentle giant!!
Now I’d like to share some fun Halloween pictures of him and Freya!
Odin as Batman for his first Halloween! Only 7 months old.
Freya’s first Halloween! 3 months old.
Odin became too big for any dog costumes, so he wore Angel Wings made for an adult human’s costume. 2 years old!
My heart is extremely heavy. Today marks 2 months without Odin. I took a peek at a few local rescues just to see. I thought maybe there would be a pup who I felt I needed to meet. There were plenty of adorable babies, but none that made my heart jump. I’m not actively looking for another dog, but if one happens to fall into my path that tells me Odin sent them then I will take them home.
I’ll never be able to find the connection I had with Odin in any other dog. That hole in my heart will never be filled, but its okay. I mean, it’s not okay, it’s heart wrenching, but its okay in the sense that no dog is supposed to “replace” or “be” Odin.
I still hurt inside. Every day. The hardest moments are when there is silence surrounding me. When the baby naps is when I feel that loneliness the most. I still reach for him as I cook, his big fat head was always next to me. Once my hand made contact he would always lean into my leg. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to not feel that anymore. Work isn’t much better. I see him everywhere I look, even when Freya tagged along last week to get her shots updated. It was tough having her there, but she had a great time.
I cleaned my office up yesterday. I sat on the floor as I sorted the mass amount of paperwork that has piled up over the past few months. When I took a break to sip my coffee I noticed some of his hair on my pant leg. I took as a very awkward sign that he was telling me he’s still around. I’ve vacuumed this office several times since he crossed the bridge, it’s hard to imagine there would be any hair from him left over. I’ve been waiting so long for some sort of sign that he hasn’t totally left me behind.
My mom had the baby this afternoon so when I got home from work I took Freya out for a walk. Just she and I. It was nice to get out and do something that was a normal routine for us before the baby was born and Odin was diagnosed. I think she appreciated it just as much as I did. I never took Odin for walks, they were always hard on him. After about 10 minutes we would need to head home because he would begin slowing down. Even as a youngster his hips bothered him. The poor guy could never win. I took him to the dog park a few times, but he scared people just because of how he looked. I stopped taking him. He didn’t deserve the evil looks and bad energy directed at him. I needed to protect him from the ignorance.
I’ve only cried twice today, but the heaviness I feel in my chest has been constant. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day.
I needed you more than ever today. I hope you’re doing okay, because I’m not.
I love you bud.
Happy National Black Dog Day!
Last Sunday I decided to go over to my friend Hannah’s house who is the mom of Odin’s best friend Solomon. I felt seeing Solly would help ease some of the heartache that is still so very real. I hadn’t seen him in probably close to 2 years thanks to moving, a baby and Odin. I felt so good to see him lose his mind when I walked in. Solomon has gained a sister that I was able to finally meet. She definitely wanted to be the center of attention the entire visit, but Solomon got most of my love.
Tuesday night was rough. It was like everything hit me all over again. I realized that my mind keeps telling me that Odin has just gone away for a while and then I realize he’s not coming back. That night was one of those moments. I can’t pin point exactly why it happened, but it was hard. Seeing his empty dish, the meds in the cupboard when I took a tupperware out, looking at my necklace with his ID tag on it when I set it on my night stand; it all killed me. I spent a good hour scrolling through pictures of him wishing I could scratch his head. I’m still feeling really lost with out him.
I framed a picture of him and his paw print for my office. Now there is a piece of him in there when I’m working on my random stuff. My husband ran the Twin Cities Marathon today. It was cold, rainy and miserable, but also refreshing. I don’t know why, but breathing in the cold air of Fall is therapeutic in a way. I never feel like I can breathe when the air is thick and humid. I’ve been able to get through the day without crying now. I think the record has been 2 days, but I still think about him 24/7. I actually dreamt about the ash collection two nights ago. I’m still waiting for him to make an appearance. I chalk it up to him having way too much fun across the bridge with the rottweilers that came before him or maybe the unresolved grief is blocking the connection. I keep looking for his signs that everyone keeps telling me he’ll send, but I just can’t seem to see them.
I ordered a cremation necklace a week ago. The ash collection kit should be here by tomorrow. It will be a while before I receive the necklace, but I will post pictures once it’s here. The artist who is making it seems like an amazing woman. She requests a picture with a description of what the pet was like and favorite memories, as well as music that I listen to. Maybe this will be the final piece I need for closure.
I miss him.
My absolute favorite picture of Odin and I.
