In the silence of night
I am missing him more than ever today. UPS dropped a box at my door this morning. I was hoping it was the urn but as I approached the door, I suddenly started hoping it wasn’t. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t ready to see those ashes again and the thought of moving them killed me. Thankfully it was a package for Tommy.
I just want to wrap my arms around his neck like I have so many times in the last 6 years. He was always there when I was hurting so badly. I keep telling myself he’s still around, but it’s not good enough. I want to snuggle with him again. I was hoping I’d have a dream about him by now, but it hasn’t happened.
I keep second guessing myself. 3 weeks later and I’m still doing that. I’ve run through every scenario and every hint I may have missed that maybe would have made me diagnose the cancer sooner and then I could have saved him. Maybe I should have done a blood transfusion that night. Would that have made a difference? I was supposed to have a year and a half post amp. Not 2 months. I hope he knows I didn’t mean to miss any signs. I tried the best I could.
I fought as hard as I could for him so that he didn’t have to….
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2017 at 2:48 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
3:55 am on September 13th, 2017
sweetheart, it’s ONLY BEEN 3 WEEKS! Give yourself time… you can’t put a time frame to grief, it makes suffering it that much harder! Whenever I have lost one of my fur babies, I think that the hurt will never go away, but one day you will wake up and find yourself smiling at the thought of Odin beside you instead of hurting all the time and at that point you will know that you have moved on. There are many phases to grief… pain, sadness, anger… it can be a vicious circle, especially when those special anniversaries come around within that first year. It’s hard and some days it will feel horrid again, but keep loving Odin with all your heart and feel him close to you.
Freya is absolutely gorgeous, she needs to feel your happy side more often… I think she would appreciate more visits with her handsome brother Cheeto! It’s obviously very good for both of you.❤️
Sloppy kisses from Stewie👅🐾
& all the very best from his adoring pack,
Petra, Paul, Mr. Spike, Chester Molester & Miss Lily 🐾🐾🐾❤️
http://stewie2017.tripawds.com/
4:09 am on September 13th, 2017
For whatever it’s worth, my Happy Hannah didn’t give me a reallu, reaLly, powerful sign until about a year after she transitioned. Twp things were happening: she was having a blast at the Bridge and dide make much time to connect at first! Or, she was sending me messages but my grief was so deep she couldn’t get through for awhile. That’s probably what’s going on with Odin.
That’s a very, very sweet sketch you posted…very poignant…very touching. Odin ABSOLUTELY k Pnew you did EVERYTHING possible for him! When dogs know they are loved as much as Odin knew he was loved, they never question our actions.
Right now you are stuck on second guessing everything…it’s part of the grief process initially. What happened to Odin wasn’t fair…he didn’t deserve it…and you were robbed of more time with yirrur sweet boy. It’s awful, but it’s what we all do during the first part of grief. The realt is that this piece of crap diseases is unpredictable and makes up its own vicious rules as it goes along. It stays one step ahead of the medical community. And it DOES prevent Odin from reconnecting with you. It does prevent him from getting through because yiur head is constantly full of the second guessing, etc. It’s one way that brutal piece of crap disease still tries to cause more pain! DO NOT LET IT!!! DO NOT LET IT KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ALL THE HAPPY MEMORIES…THE MEMORIES THST ODIN IS IMPLORING YIU TO REMEMBER!! Just force yourself to replace one of those “guilt thoughts” with a wonderful thought of a happy time that Odin made you smile!
Odin will show you signs. He will. Dreams, pennies, rainbows….he’ll send a sign and probably already has, but you may be dismissing it, not realizing it’s a message from Odin.
I do hope your’ll post some more licrtures of Odin soon. We all just adore that sweet boy! The banner of him across the topmof his blog just melts my heart everytime I see those precious eyes peeping out! Soooo cute!
Love and hugs
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!
8:38 pm on September 13th, 2017
I love this drawing. I completely understand how you are feeling. I think I had an easier time at first than I am now, even though it’s only been about 6 weeks. Everyone goes through a different process. I felt Izzy around a lot at first, now, not so much. I miss her as I know you miss Odin terribly. I also know that there’s nothing I can say to ease your pain, but I’ll still say it: you took wonderful care of Odin and loved him endlessly. There is no better gift you can give a dog than exactly that.
Hoping things get easier for you soon,
Amy
3:04 pm on September 14th, 2017
I love the drawing. Grief is very individual. You can’t compare yours to someone else’s. No one can tell you when it won’t hurt as bad or when the tears won’t flow as freely. Heck it has been 4 years for me and guess what I still miss my girl. Once in awhile tears sneak through but I smile when I talk about her. All the feelings you are having are normal.
He will give signs watch for them 🙂
hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
1:33 am on September 15th, 2017
Odin knows that you did everything you could. We all second guess ourselves. It’s one of – if no the- hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Give yourself time. Odin will come to you in your dreams. He will give you signs it just takes time. We are all here for you if you need us
xoxoxo
Julie an Spirit Buddy